Afraid of Being Changed, in a Hurry to Change Everyone Else
This week I caught myself in an old habit.
A few days ago, my younger sister told me that money had been tight lately. It happened that I was starting a course on personal finance that very day, and my first thought was: this course is perfect for her.
So I started recommending it.
She said she’d been busy.
I kept pushing.
She said she wasn’t as anxious as I imagined — she just wanted to talk with me.
I still thought she simply hadn’t seen the value of the course yet.
Somewhere in the conversation, it struck me that we were talking about two different things.
I was working hard to solve her problem, and she was working hard to tell me:
“It’s not that serious.”
In that moment, I thought of something else.
Just the day before, a small thing had come up between me and my husband.
He assumed I didn’t know how to use a certain feature, and started walking me through it step by step.
But I had only been surprised for a second. It wasn’t that I couldn’t do it.
The more he explained, the more I resisted.
I told him:
“I don’t like being taught.”
Later I realized that maybe what bothered me wasn’t him teaching me.
It was that I only wanted to share a moment of surprise, and he heard it as a call for help.
Thinking about it made me want to laugh.
Here’s what I saw:
I’m afraid of being changed by other people, and at the same time in a hurry to change them.
It seems like everyone is trying to protect their own space.
Some people are afraid of being controlled.
Some are afraid of being defined.
Some are afraid their feelings won’t be seen.
Afterward, I stopped explaining, and I let go of needing my sister to agree with me.
I just said:
“Okay — I misunderstood you.”
Maybe more important than getting someone to accept my answer is leaving them the right to keep their own.
Lately I keep feeling that growing up isn’t getting better at handing out answers.
It’s becoming more willing to believe that everyone has their own pace.
Some people need advice.
Some people need company.
And sometimes, the person we think needs to change only hopes that someone is willing to listen until they’ve finished speaking.
I’m still sitting with this.
When I want so badly to help someone,
am I answering their need, or my own impatience?